Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

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When it seems like all the problems you have left to face are things like school and trying to make enough money to live and do things you wanna do….you know, basic everyday, every person problems…it’s quite frustrating when you’re presented with things like family members fighting each other and the drama that ensues…along with the guilt that lives within yourself, the kind of guilt you have to speak up about to both pierce everyone’s heart and kick their asses into a good mood.

Family from Wyoming came to visit and it was supposed to be fun and cool. I hadn’t seen my uncle in almost 10 years and the last time I saw my cousins, it was during the immediate aftermath of my mom passing away, so it was exciting to have a good positive moment with them…that was until my aunts got into some strange battle of class or power or “my life is worse, sorry” or some shit like that. And I hate it cause there’s no reason for this shit to keep happening.

There’s a lot of pre-“me” drama that occurred in my family…drama that I will never ever understand or even get the full truth. I can’t seem to find the family member that will tell the truth about really anything. There is so much involving my family that I haven’t found out the truth to. And I can’t really ask for “the truth” without offending anyone so I’m pretty much stuck with a book with almost all the pages torn out. There’s no use trying to find the pages cause they will be fabricated to make someone look like a hero…where another’s pages will say that “hero” was actually a villian.

I’m stuck in this peacemaker/neutral role because I just can’t take anyone’s side….and that’s not to say I have no favorites, but even my favorites’ stories contradict each other. So I have to form my opinion on feeling. But I don’t even wanna know the truth to cause drama myself, I can handle anything they throw at me…I just can’t seem to understand any fucking detail of life before I was born and even after…there’s still shit I don’t know.

I’m being lied to. Someone is lying to me…and I’m left to suffer. And my biggest fear and worry is bringing Alexis, my woman, into this mess…this giant mess that can’t ever been solved. I believe she has such an amazing family and my family is full of people who are out to get each other and trying to out-do each other for some non-existent prize….and I don’t want to lose her because of them. It’s the only thing that could prevent me from marrying her…I don’t want the bad luck of this family to be a part of her.

The drama that hangs overhead now has me worried because it reminds me of the same drama that hung around when my mom passed away. Before she died, everyone’s opinion of her was negative because she was going out partying and leaving her kids alone at home all day and everyone was on slightly bad terms when she was killed. So for me, I have a hard time handling any family drama now because it just feels as familiar as those days before my mom died. I worry about the ones who would most likely go…and that’s not healthy….but it would be so fucking preventable if everyone could just stop.

I look at my siblings and think that amongst us…we are the only ones who are fucking normal. We don’t get mad at each other and it’s fucking awesome. We cheer each other on and aren’t jealous of each other’s success at all because we know that each of us deserve the best. And it pisses me off because we are no fucking different than anyone of our family members…we lost our mom and were forced to deal with it, live on and make something of our lives. We didn’t get mad about who mom loved more or who she hated more…we were too busy distracted by the bullshit of one princess aunt being jealous of the less fortunate aunt being closer to our dead mom’s kids….shit that we aren’t even thinking about. In fact, we’re probably assholes for just simply accepting the help that was most accessible. Sorry.

But whatever, I’m the quiet one. I could disappear with my wife and the only family members who’d ask about me would be my grandma on my birthday and my dad when he needs me to play bass for him. My brother and sister wouldn’t have to worry because there’d be nothing to worry about. We’re not so involved that we could drive each other crazy.

It’s just dumb. It’s just dumb that my mom’s death was kind of supposed to bring everyone together and make us all appreciate each other but….no, no, it had to go as if it never happened. And my brother, sister and I are supposed to just sit back and accept all this drama that my mom kinda hid from us and it gets taken out on us or whatever…and it’s like…”why us…or anyone?” Put the shit away…or suck it up. All this week has done is shown me that everyone’s sensitive.

I got a fucking tattoo for my wife and I wanna be yelled at for that…not what someone else said….said….SAID SAID SAID(S-A-I-D), said. Said. Someone else said something….why me?

Everyone sucks…I’ll disappear when I get the chance. Hope you’ll miss me when I’m with my baby in France.(or just Seattle, or Denver, or…)

brothasoul:

what the fuck ash

gruntyindustries:

what if my friends dont think im fast enough

gruntyindustries:

what if my friends dont think im fast enough

exploitastic:

Jingus christ

exploitastic:

Jingus christ

dropdeadesu:

aragaki:

i don’t get this. why does this have so many notes. does it have to do with the type of ice cream? Napoleon ice cream? Napoleon Bonaparte? is that Napoleon Bonaparte’s hand?

nobody explain

dropdeadesu:

aragaki:

i don’t get this. why does this have so many notes. does it have to do with the type of ice cream? Napoleon ice cream? Napoleon Bonaparte? is that Napoleon Bonaparte’s hand?

nobody explain

nyehs:

marijuana more like marijuanah. say no to drugs. stop kony

“But the Bible says…”

image

veddervevo:

Some things never change